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| i have grown all too accustomed
to pulling the covers up and over my head
when life starts throwing curveballs at me.
(plant your feet, girl).
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| It's funny how words play tricks on you sometimes.
doubt thou that the stars are fire;
doubt thou that the sun doth move;
doubt truth to be a liar;
but never doubt that i love.
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| I'm blown away by how much a perceived brush with death can make you appreciate life.
I thought I was going to die today. Not the I-felt-so-sick-I-thought-I-was-gonna-die kind of die. Not the Dude-I'm-not-ready-for-this-midterm-and-I'm-gonna-die kind of die. The actual kind of die, the ceasing to exist, breathing my last... all of that.
One minute I was sitting outside under the shade of our table's umbrella and the next minute my friends and I were kindly asked to step inside the building. Right as I asked why- and I swear this was like something out of a movie- I saw the helicopters fly overhead, beginning to circle our campus. And from what sounded like far away I heard him say, "We have a high risk situation right now."
Rendered mute and bewildered, Steph, Cindy and I shuffled our way into the Student Center food court where we were met with equally puzzled gazes from a crowd of our fellow classmates, all clumped together, standing awkwardly in front of our overly-priced Quiznos. I remember one of us jokingly insinuating that we should just make a run for it and get to our cars so we could go to Costco like we had planned. And then a UCI staff member started to call out something to the effect of: "We are locking down this building. We have a high risk situation. We need you all to back away from the windows and exits immediately." There was no more joking after that.
Looking back, I find it a little funny that we immediately gravitated back towards Rice Garden, the only Asian restaurant on campus. Sitting down in that cafeteria, leaning back against the shelves that would have been lined with sushi trays, we huddled together, clasping our phones and wondering if we should start making some phone calls. Wondering if it was worth having our families worry. Then through the wonders of the iPhone and facebook we found out that the "high risk situation" really meant that there was a guy on campus with a rifle.
And suddenly all these faded memories of Columbine came flooding back. The Virginia Tech Prayer Vigil came to mind. You know, that time we prayed for that other school. That far away school, where those kinds of things happen. Even an old One Tree Hill episode involving a school shooting started floating through my thoughts. Those events ended in tragedy. All of them. And they all started with someone bringing a gun to school. Shortly after we heard a voice over the intercom say: "We have an armed suspect on campus. The Student Center is officially locked down. No one comes in and no one goes out."
And then it wasn't even an issue anymore. If you've seen the movie "Bad Boys," you know what I mean when I say, "This $#it just got real." In a flash, I was on the phone with my sister and my brother, telling them that I loved them, that I was okay- hoping it was true, that my parents wouldn't have to hear any sad news over the phone from overseas. I was mass texting people to pray about the high-risk situation, telling them that we were under lockdown. I was trying not to cry because I wanted to be braver than I was. I was remembering my old premonition that I was going to die young.
What happened next really felt like a movie. After about thirty or so minutes of crouching fearfully on the cafeteria floor, another message came over the intercom. "The Student Center is still officially locked down. No one comes in and no one goes out." And then what felt like 10 seconds later, a pair of police officer came bursting through the door wearing bullet-proof vests and wielding guns. They marched through the food court, weaving in between people sitting at tables or on the floor. Suddenly, their guns were up: "You! On the floor! Put your hands behind your head NOW!" They were looking at a young man sitting five feet away from us.
I heard my own gasp magnify throughout the crowd. All at once, I heard several chairs scuff the floor, I heard feet stampeding towards the exits. My fingers immediately began punching out a message on my phone to no one in particular, "Oh my gosh, he's in the room" but I never finished it because everything in me just wanting to crawl out of my skin and flee. A staff member opened one of the doors in the back and everyone was trying to funnel out of there at the same time. But while one of the cops kept yelling for the suspect to put his hands behind his head, the other one screamed: "Everybody stay down. Get down!" And amidst our bumrushing, everyone around me crumpled to the floor immediately. I found myself separated from Steph and Cindy, crouching beside a girl whose eyes brimmed with tears as she muttered, "Oh my God, oh my God... I can't believe this is happening." From behind the pole I couldn't see what was going on and in my frantic state I couldn't help but worry that something was going to happen to Steph or Cindy. What if there was a scuffle with the suspect and the gun went off? What if it hit them? What if it hit me? Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh...
They got him in handcuffs and finally the UCI staff motioned for us to head out the open door. I grabbed Cindy's hand and made a beeline for the exit. All I knew was that we needed to get out of that room and we needed to stick together. We all congregated in the main area beside the Crystal Cove Auditorium, not quite knowing where to go or what to do. And moments later we watched silently as a SWAT team escorted the suspect out of the building, marching him right past us.
I should've felt relieved. I should've felt a weight off my shoulders. But all I could think was: "He was in the room with us the whole time. We were locked in a room with the guy with the gun." I called my sister to tell her I was okay, that they apprehended the suspect, but right when I told her I was okay... I realized I wasn't. I just wanted to cry. And even now I'm not sure if I can pinpoint the exact reason why. My best guess would be that I was confronted with my own mortality and it was terrifying. I felt like a child. Life had upset me... and I just wanted to cry. And I did. Eventually. And it was good. Sometimes you just need a good cry.
Anyway, that was all to get to the meat of what I really wanted to say. I thought I was going to die today. And I didn't. As it turns out, the suspect was just some guy with an airsoft gun who stupidly brought it to school and was seen carrying it on campus. (Ridiculous). So I was probably never in any real danger, but it felt so real at the time. So much so that I called my siblings while they were at work to tell them I loved them. I texted loved ones that I don't normally text. This "high-risk situation" made me think about my life and all the things God has carried me through up until now. And the little things don't seem to matter so much anymore. Not even the things I thought were a big deal. This is my life... and I am thankful. I am so thankful.
And Lord, thank You for using a paintball gun to remind me that even if I fall apart in the face of death or heartache, I never leave Your hands; they don't shake, even if I do.
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| this is me on my knees
singin take it all from me
take it all
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